"Am I Blue" ?

I just read Alice Walker's essay "Am I Blue" for one of my English classes. In it she describes the life of a horse in a pasture near her home. She recounts how the horse is at various times somewhat content, bored and lonely, joyful, grief stricken
and angry.

I feel so much like the horse "Blue". As the story begins the horse seems happy enough, eating fresh spring grass in the pasture. As spring turns to summer, the horse finds no joy in the dry grass and wanders about the pasture alone, finding little happiness in his surroundings or his life.

All that changes when another horse is added to the pasture. A female horse is brought in to mate with Blue. Blue is uncertain at first, not having had another horse in the pasture before. He soon comes to love and accept the other horse as his companion. Alice Walker describes the look of joy, the confidence she sees in Blue's eyes. She describes it as "this is it-ness". Blue has arrived and his life is complete.

Once the companion horse becomes pregnant she is taken away. Blue's joy turns to despair. He refuses to eat the apples Alice brings him, he tears at the ground with his hooves, runs around the pasture just to wear himself out. The look Alice sees in his eyes is one of grief and disgust, a "how could your kind do this to me?" look.

This story parallels how I feel about my life in so many ways. Before S, I was going through the motions. I was reeling from the trials of those few years right before she came into my life. When she came, I didn't understand it at first. After working through my feelings and finding for the first time in my life real JOY, I knew things would have to be different. Not knowing what would happen, fearful of the changes that would inevitably result of being honest about our feelings, I went forward. I took the plunge. Being honest has been very liberating.

Others didn't like the honesty. S did her best, and seeing an opportunity to free herself from a bad situation, she took it. She took a step away in an attempt to get back to where we wanted to be. She took the word of others who said they would help, when in fact their motives were selfish. Doing so caused us to be separated.

I feel just like Blue did. I look around my "pasture" and I wonder what in the world I am doing here. Where is S, why did they take her away? How can I get back to her? Things that once gave me joy have no effect. Nothing is right anymore. Once you've had "this is it-ness", it's hard to content yourself with anything less.

Our lives apart batter us, they knock us off our feet. We tire of the struggle to be together, but can't fathom being apart. The love we feel tears at our hearts and the pain of separation is sometimes too much to bear. Anyone that looks close enough will see in our eyes that we are afraid, still trying to hope, but confronted every day with the cold hard fact of being apart. Will it be my lot in life to content myself with the memory of "this is it-ness" or will I get to know that feeling again?

This is where my screen name comes from.....

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Midland   "You have a Midland accent" is just another way of saying "you don't have an accent." You probably are from the Midland (Pennsylvania, southern Ohio, southern Indiana, southern Illinois, and Missouri) but then for all we know you could be from Florida or Charleston or one of those big southern cities like Atlanta or Dallas. You have a good voice for TV and radio.
The West
The South
The Inland North
Boston
The Northeast
North Central
Philadelphia
What American accent do you have? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

S always used to say "you sound like such a yankee", lol. You can all pretty much guess what she sounds like. I'm such a sucker for that accent. The people who wrote this description have obviously never visited southern Ohio. Southern Ohioans have a very pronounced accent, very much like southerners.

"Mountaineers are Always Free"

I thought a lot about Mom and Dad yesterday. All the activity at Arlington this time of year makes me think about them. I think they would have liked being there- although I sometimes wonder if my Dad would really want to be that close to the beltway and all the nonsense that goes on in DC.

The bands played a lot of Sousa yesterday- Mom would have liked that. Arlington is only about an hour from where she grew up. I'm glad my Mom is buried near her Dad, even though they are far apart in the cemetery it is still closer to him than his wife or his other children are.

I'm glad that Dad gets to "see" all those military folk running around every day. I'm sure he liked hearing the President speak. He was a Bush fan, although I'm not sure what he would have thought about 9-11 and everything that's happened since then.

I know they aren't really there-it's just where we left their remains, but when I think about my parents now I think of that place.
Montani Semper Liberi- Mom & Dad I still miss you.

deja' vu

Here we go again. My midweek with my dd was reminiscent of the old days- last year while the divorce was going on she was angry, resentful, confrontational, and distant.
Tonight was my midweek with her. While we ran errands she either stayed in the car to talk on the phone, or walked away from me and stayed away until it was time to go when we went in the stores. Once we arrived home I started dinner and she buried her nose in a book. Her dinner table conversation consisted of- so how are you going to support yourself while you go to law school? DS #1 chimed in and explained about student loans, etc. and DD said-how are you going to feed P? I then had to remind her about child support and spousal support.

Her grandmother picked DD up at the end of her visit and took her back to her house to spend the night. That's something that isn't supposed to be happening on a school night according to our divorce decree. Funny, the ex can't care for the kids he's got without his Mom, yet he wants to take P away from me.
If he thinks that's going to happen- he'd better think again.

One vote not to go

I talked to a friend of mine today who feels I shouldn't go to FL. We were in the paralegal program together at school. She has been an awesome friend.
She is one of the first lesbian women that I met after coming out. We met one day when she saw me crying in the stairwell at school. This was right after S left and I cried at school, work, and everywhere else.
Her and her partner have been very supportive of me these past couple of years. I have been able to count on them to come to my rescue when my car breaks down, when I need help moving something big, or when I just need to be around people who understand. It is okay with me that she thinks I might be making a mistake. I appreciate that I have friends who care and feel close enough to be honest.

My Ex Sent me an "Offer"

My boy loves the beach. We are both ready to go now!

My Ex says he won't let his son move with me to Florida without a fight.
Guess I'll be going though the legal process AGAIN.

Of course, he says we can avoid the fight by negotiating.
He says-
"Just make me an offer"
"Let's make a deal"
"It's not about money but..."

I'm already annoyed and it's just the beginning.

Pretty, Smart

AND SUCCESSFUL!!!

You'll have to take my word about the pretty part- S made me take her picture down. : (


My sweetie interviewed for a job in a bank branch inside a retail store. Two interviews later, she is awaiting an offer on a job in the downtown regional office of the bank! A job that they NEVER hire external candidates for, but my sweetie just impressed the hell out them! I could not possibly be prouder! Way to go S!

You Act Like You Are 25 Years Old

You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel like an adult, and you're optimistic about life. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. You're still figuring out your place in the world and how you want your life to shape up. The world is full of possibilities, and you can't wait to explore many of them.

What Age Do You Act?

1 Yes, 1 Maybe, 1 No

Ge*rgia State said "NO". They were all nice about it and everything, they said my interest was appreciated, but they get many applications and have to decline "many worthy applicants".
I knew this school was a long shot, so I am not too terribly disappointed. That leaves 1 application out there hanging around. It was sent to a school closer to where I live now. It's not somewhere I really have a burning desire to go to, and it is the only school that did not list being LGBT as a positive trait for admission. So let's just say, considering I was totally out in my application, that I will probably get another no here in a week or so.

I only needed one yes and I got that. The school is in a nice part of a nice city and I am excited about moving there. I'm glad I got that letter today, it helps me not focus on it so much and put the whole "acceptance" aspect of law school behind me. I can focus on finishing up these last two quarters and figuring out my finances, moving, etc. for starting law school this fall.

My boy

This is my main man. I never have to wonder how he feels about me, he tells me and shows me all the time. I have lots to decide in the next few days- more than I'd like to have to think about all by myself. I have to think about what will be the best for me and for my boy.

1 Yes, 1 Maybe

P and I just got back from a great weekend in Jacksonville. On Friday afternoon, I took a campus tour at Fl*rida Coastal and the facilities are great! I didn't get to talk to many students, because it was the last day of classes and there weren't too many around. The ones that were around were studying furiously for finals! I did pick up a campus paper and there was an article in there about how the non-traditional students feel "out of the loop". This is something that concerns me, although I feel like I'll have to address it to a greater or lesser degree anywhere I choose to go. From the article, I learned that about 10% of the student body would be classified non-tradtional in terms of age.

The city is beautiful, and the area around the law school is very livable. Our hotel was just a couple of blocks from where P would go to school. Jacksonville seems to be very spread out, but the road system is excellent and it wasn't hard to get around. There was very little traffic, even on a Friday afternoon.

I do have some concerns of course. How am I going to make it by myself in Jacksonville, with no friends or family around? How am I going to support myself and P and go to law school full time? I consciously chose not to pursue part time law school. I've been a paralegal and a full-time student for the last two years, I know I don't want to have that kind of hectic schedule for myself or for P while I'm in law school.

So if I go to Jax, I will have P, and be a full time student only (at least for the 1st semester, hopefully for the entire first year) Then I will work in the summer time while P is up visiting his Dad and sibs. 2nd year, I will probably try and find some kind of work to help with expenses. I would prefer not to borrow everything I need to live for the next three years. Borrowing tuition is bad enough!
There are so many details to work out/think about. P loved Jax and was very excited about the idea of living there. I'm excited too- it's less than 2 hours from S and she will be done with her degree in Dec. 08. Hopefully after that she will be able to find work in Jax. She doesn't want to go to grad school right now. She's ready for a break from college life.

When I came home I had a letter from Stets*n in my mailbox. I've been wait-listed there. Not too disappointed by that, it's not a rejection after all. I don't think they will be offering any scholarships so I'm pretty sure that one wasn't going to pan out anyway.
So far I've heard from 2 schools, and still waiting to hear from 2 more. I have until 4/30 to give Fl*rida Coastal my seat deposit.

Happy Birthday!!

I love you!

It's the weekend!

It couldn't come soon enough for me. I have been "on the hamster wheel" all week and it's not slowing down yet!
Today after work I met with my co-project manager to work on planning for our practicum. We are still trying to figure out our roles and share this job that normally is for one person. We worked for two hours and could have spent two more. I'm really out of my comfort zone but it is kind of exciting to try and figure things out for a "real world" project.
After that I went to my ex's for my oldest son's birtday party. N will be 14 on Monday. He is a good boy. He and his friends were eating pizza and playing video games- every 14 year old boys dream.

More good news!

"Congratualtions on your acceptantance to Fl*rida C*astal School of Law's August 2008 class as a full-time day student and as a Governors Sch*lar. This Scholarship, in the amount of $12,000.00 for the Academic Year, recognizes the previous success you have had, and demonstrates our expectation that you will succeed in your future academic pursuits."

I got in! I can't believe it. Anybody know any bloggers in the Jacksonville area? I need info!

I heart my tax preparer

One of my friends suggested I go see her tax preparer. With everything that happened last year, all the advice I had gotten (and TurboTax confirmed) that I was going to owe about $1500.00 to the IRS on April 15.

So despite all this info, my friend convinced me to drive 1 1/2 hours to have this lady look over my taxes. The whole way down there I kept thinking "You're an idiot to spend this money on gas so she can tell you you still owe $1500."
Well, let's just say it was definitely worth the drive. Instead of owing $1500.00, I'm GETTING A REFUND OF OVER $3000.00!!!! WOO WHO!!!

This lady did my state and federal return and charged about 1/3 of what the ex and I paid last year to Jackson Hewitt to prepare our taxes.


Thanks again to M & J for suggesting I have my taxes checked. You're the best!!

Watching my mailbox

Spring break brought a welcome respite from school. With all this time on my hands I've had lots of time to think about my law school choices and those applications sitting in an inbox somewhere waiting for someone to look at them. I am really anxious this week. I am waiting and wondering if I'll get any positive response.

I've got three applications out so far. I may do one more,but I'm not sure. I want to live and practice in the southeast, so all the schools I've applied to are in that region.

The three so far are-
Georgia State University College of Law- In downtown Atlanta, attached to a great university and much closer to S. They have a great reputation for welcoming older students.

Stetson University College of Law- In Gulfport Florida near Tampa. A beautiful campus and a top 100 law school. A great reputation for legal writing and trial advocacy.

Fl*rida C*astal School of Law - Jacksonville Florida. This is a relatively new school, and they contacted me first and asked me to apply with the offer of a scholarship. This one is the closest to where S lives currently.

Georgia State is the biggest stretch for me based on my test score- but I'm still in the ballpark so to speak so I'm hoping they'll give my application a look. I would love to have some options to choose from! Good thing schools starts on Monday, then I won't have time to worry about it anymore. I'll just be surprised when the letters land in my mailbox.

Killer Ribs

I have been in the mood to have ribs lately- Not sure where I heard about it, but I found a great recipe for crock pot ribs. I know, if you're a BBQ purist that's probably not a good thing but let me tell you- they taste great! This was my first try at making ribs and they were delicious. I made them according to the recipe and used Daddy Sam's "Just Slop it on" West Texas Original Recipe Barbecue Sawce. I had never heard of Stubb's, and I just looked on the sauce aisle for something interesting.

For Mom (and for Me)

Call Crse Crse Sect Grade
Num Pfx Num Num Course Title Cr Hrs Grade Points

97450 COMS 110 MM1 COMM BETWEEN CULTURES 4.0 A 16.0000

58903 COMS 235 OO1 INTRO TO COMM THEORY 4.0 A 16.0000

86048 COMS 245 Q01 INTRO:ORG COMMUNICATION 4.0 A 16.0000

58928 COMS 352 OO1 POLIT RHETORIC 4.0 A- 14.6800

97451 COMS 410 MM1 CROSS-CULTURAL COMM 4.0 A 16.0000

58924 COMS 450 OO1 CAPSTONE SEMINAR IN COMS 4.0 A 16.0000

Hours Hours Grade
Attempted Earned Points GPA
Term Undergraduate..........: 24.0 24.0 94.6800 3.945
Accumulative Undergraduate..: 56.0 200.0 217.3600 3.881

Congratulations! You have made the Dean's list for this quarter.

Finally. over.

It's 3:39 am and the quarter from hell is now officially over. Well, it was actually over on Saturday, but thanks to the tolerance and understanding of one of the best professors ever (Thank you Dr. K!) I have just submitted my last assignments in time for her to have them graded by her deadline for grade submission.

A big thanks to everyone who helped with my senior project on non-verbal communication. I'm hoping to post about the results later this week ( I know you're all on pins and needles waiting for that-yeah right!)

I have been sitting at my computer so long I may end up like that poor woman that spent two years in the bathroom and had to have the seat surgically removed.

It's spring break week for the kids this week so I have them all week. we are planning so fun and I hope we can all relax a little bit. I have a whole week to get ready for next quarter and to fret about law school admissions :)

Spring quarter starts 3/31. Only 16 hours, that should be a breeze after winter.

A great weekend

I have spent today trying to focus on schoolwork. After having a sweet visit with S, it's hard to get back in the routine.

She lights up my life for a few days, and then she has to go back south. It's been getting harder and harder to be apart.

She brought a new futon cover and bought some artwork to hang in my dining area. She is just sweet that way- always trying to make our home more comfortable and inviting.

It's hard to be here today without her after having her all to myself yesterday. I keep expecting to see her come out of the other room to sit down next to me.
We both need the visits to keep us going and I wouldn't trade one minute of our time this weekend. The hours and days after we say goodbye are some of the hardest in my life right now.

More pictures

The was the most snow we have ever had in one day 15.5" and the most for one storm 20.5" !


P now has an Orange Belt! I'm so proud of him!!!



This is P getting ready to break a board as part of his orange belt test. That table in the background is the panel of judges. He had to show them his forms and defenses, "free fight" with another yellow belt, and then go up and talk to the judge and answer his questions. Once he had all that done, he had to break a board. He is enjoying it so much and I think it is so great for his confidence.
I'm so proud of P.

Blizzard '08

When I went to bed last night, there was no snow on the cars.

This is outside my front door- It is basically a wind tunnel, so there is little snow in front of my door, but the other three neighbors all have 8-10" drifts in front of their doors.




Have I mentioned that I hate winter?

A School Project (Postdated to stay on top UPDATED)

Since some of you remarked about my school project in my last post- I decided to enlist your help...
I'm taking a Senior Capstone course in Nonverbal Communication. My group project with two other classmates is to study how people compensate for nonverbal cues in computer-mediated communication. In other words- how you convey emotion,sarcasm etc. that in face to face communication would be done by facial expression, gestures, or changes in inflection or tone of voice.
So let me know - how do you enhance your written messages in your blog, email, im, text messaging? Is it different in a business or academic setting vs. a social setting? Do you use emoticons, different font styles, strike throughs,bold type etc?
I've set up a separate page here. There are links there to two very short (10 question) surveys. Please, tell all your friends! We need data!

**** update*** Thanks to all who have taken the two surveys. There is one more survey that we'd like everyone to take- Please if you have time, go check it out!

Deadlines...

Law school applications
Income taxes to be filed
Financial aid deadlines to be met (which is why I'm worried about taxes NOW)
Papers (long procrastinated)due 3/1 and 3/14
Kids, job, school, yikes!!!!

Happy Birthday, Little "Man"

Conversation while shopping for birthday party supplies in wal-mart:

M: Let's get this multipack instead of big bags of chips

P: ok

M: Do we need more than one?

P: yes get two.

M: (checking the package), P there are 24 bags of chips in here, I think that's enough

P: Mom, We are MEN, we get hungry!

Apologies for the bad cell phone picture. I was lucky to get him to stand still long enough for this one!

43

Man- it's hard with that timer staring you in the face! ( 7 little boys running around doesn't help either)

Happy Dance-

Today is a great day....
9 years ago I gave birth to the sweetest boy on the planet.

He and I did a happy dance tonight because today is his birthday.
Then we danced because I got a 155 on the LSAT!
155 is a pretty good score. 12.5% score 162 and up, 12.5% score under 142. I'm in the big fat middle where 75% score between 142-162. This gives me possibilities to consider. My head is spinning right now.
Isn't it funny, how you wait for an answer for so long and when it comes, it just generates more questions?

The Suspense

is KILLING me!!!!

My LSAT score is here. It's sitting, unopened, in my email inbox. I promised S we would open it together. Hurry up and call me!!!!!!

This is me-

my feet are moving but I'm not getting anywhere. I have so many assignments and things to do it's overwhelming. It's hard to get anything done because when I do get to sit down and work on something my mind is racing about so many other things that need my attention.

Happy Valentine's Day

Just look how far we've come. Right now we are just happy to be together and to have made it through everything that's been thrown at us.
We're stronger, smarter, and much more in love today than we were back when things were easy. On the first year anniversary of my Mom's passing S took me to Florida to help me through that sad day. I hadn't been to Florida in over twenty years. I didn't know that I was in love with S then but she knew we were more than just friends. I loved every minute of that first trip with her! I could not stop smiling the entire time that I was there. S loves the ocean and warm sunny weather. As I'm awaiting my LSAT score I am dreaming of what could lie ahead for me. I have picked four law schools to send my scores to and three of them would put me some where very warm, sunny, and close to S. What if I did well? What if I get accepted to one of those schools? What if S and I get back together within a year? The video below is one of S on her father's tour boat back when we were together.
Happy Valentine's Day, S. Your love is the BEST present! I know we will get back to times when we can relax like we used to.

What's in a name?

Stolen from Trop.

What YG's Name Means

You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you. You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries. You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Weekend in Review

Saturday during the day, I was able to knock out 5 or 6 assignments. It was stuff that was due this weekend or Monday so I'm glad I got some of that out of the way.
Saturday night,I enjoyed watching the Budweiser Shootout. It was interesting and fun. After the race, I stayed up and got a couple more things done and took a midterm. I went to bed about 1am.
Sunday is the worst day of the week- I hate it!
S called me about 3am, she had a bad dream and couldn't get back to sleep. We talked and dozed until almost 8, when she had to get up and get ready for her day. I fell back to sleep.
S called me back about 10am terribly upset. I was upset the rest of the day after that. I have a lot more schoolwork to get done, but I was just out of sorts and not able to get back into school mode.
About 6pm I took my daughter back to her Dad's house. Then I took the boys to Wal-Mart. I had to do some "people watching" for a school assignment, so I did a little shopping while I was there, too.
It's 10:05, the boys are finally in bed, and I'm back at the computer. I hope to get a few more assignments completed before I hit the sack for the evening.
Tomorrow begins another work week! I have some big projects due the 14 and the 20th for school. Cross your fingers everybody. It's crunch time.

A long neglected part of my education.....

Is finally being addressed. Starting today, I'm taking NASCAR 101. I have a great instructor, and she even made sure I had the right attire for today:



So today- as I'm furiously working on my other schoolwork, I'll be fashionably and comfortably attired and listening to the Budweiser shootout. Blog friends are the BEST!!

Your Aura is Blue

Spiritual and calm, you tend to live a quiet but enriching life. You are very giving of yourself. And it's hard for you to let go of relationships. The purpose of your life: showing love to other people Famous blues include: Angelina Jolie, the Dali Lama, Oprah Careers for you to try: Psychic, Peace Corps Volunteer, Counselor

What Color Is Your Aura?

Ok- Deep Breath

Please send all your positive thoughts/ energy /prayers to McPherson Labs on the Campus of Ohio State University tomorow. That's where I'll be taking the LSAT starting at 8:30 tomorrow. I have studied and prepared and I'm thinking ONLY POSITIVE THINGS. Tomorrow is another big step in our journey.

Last Saturday I was being totally pampered and adored in preparation for this big day. It's been a hectic week. Tomorrow I have the opportunity to reach for something I've wanted my whole life. I'm so grateful to God that he gave me someone that loves me enough to want me to reach for my dreams. Someone that helps me believe it's possible and who has proved it over and over again. Thanks honey.

Decisions

S took this pic of me last weekend. She says that I look so much more at ease when I am out of that damn town I live in. I think we had our best visit ever. I have moving on my mind these days.

Meme

The Rules:
1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!

I was tagged by Trop.

6 quirky things about me? (only 6? :)

1. I am a complete loser about hair/makeup. It has to be foolproof, or I will screw it up. Even then I stll manage to screw it up sometimes!

2. Like Sassy, I am also OCD about checking the alarm clock. I will check it before I get in bed and half the time I have to get up and check it again!

3. I am a sap for old movies. LOVE them! Especially musicals. A few favorites- Pillow Talk, Calamity Jane, South Pacific.

4. I am a museum freak. I love to go in and look.at.everything. It drives my older two kids crazy but my youngest is right there with me. (God I love that boy!)

5. I took up golf at age 39 and loved it. I hope to get back to playing when I'm done with school. S and I love to play together.

6. I'm a complete laggard about new trends and gadgets. I have no burning desire to have the latest and the greatest. I can wait until all the bugs are worked out, thanks very much. I still have an old car (1997) I have an old cell phone, and I don't have a digital camera (I did, but it broke so now I just use my cell phone). WhenI do get a gadget, it takes me forever to learn the features, and I'll likely never learn them all before the thing breaks and has to be replaced.

I'm a little behind the times since I was out of town, so anybody who hasn't joined in yet, feel free!

Speaking of Sweet Memories...

I'm about to go make some more... I leave tomorrow for someplace warm and sunny. Tomorrow morning when I get up the forecast says it will be 3 degrees and a windchill of minus 7. By tomorrow afternoon I will be somewhere where no coat or boots will be required!! S has promised that I am going to be totally pampered. I can't wait.

Sweet memories

I have been thinking about S all day today. We make such a great team. We like to do so many things together. She reminded me today of when we used to do projects together. One of my favorites was when we redid the powder room at my old house. The house was built in the 70's, and everything about it was very dated, including the dark mediterannean style cabinetry.
We ripped down very ugly FOIL wallpaper, painted the walls a neutral color, painted the cabinet white, replaced the floor with vinyl tile that looked like natural stone( ok not exactly but hey the budget was pretty tight) We had so much fun making that room look wonderful. I can still remember S sitting on the floor cutting the last pieces of tile to fit in the doorway. We had to cut the base board molding and use a mitre box, and we were both a little scared of the power tools, but we did it. She made it so much fun and we were so proud of that room. It was the smallest room in the house, but it was done over w/ love, and I remember feeling so proud of our accomplishment and just enjoying how pretty it looked. It was around this time that we began to realize we had feelings for each other and we had lots of fun working in the close confines of that room together.

We continued to fix up other rooms in the house,painting and putting up a border for the boys and repainting the spare bedroom a sunny yellow color. I wish she was here with me now, I miss having her beside me. It's hard when the other half of your team is so far away.

Now that I'm out of the house, the ex has found new energy ( either he's getting ready to sell it or maybe it's his mom nagging) to get things done that I asked him to for ever. He never took any interest in the house( or in me for that matter). S came along, fixed my house and stole my heart.

Oh Please

Chuck Norris- the man who makes his living PLAYING tough guys, has expressed his fear that John McCain is too old to be president, that he might be too old to withstand the stresses and pressures of the office.

Hmmm, let's see, John McCain: Naval Academy graduate, pilot, POW, Senator.
I think Mr. McCain has been sufficiently tested under pressure and proved himself more than capable.
Chuck Norris: B movie and TV actor, TV huckster of exercise equipment. You only wish you were as tough as McCain. I don't know anything of Mr. Norris's personal life, but I think it's pretty safe to assume he never faced the stresses of being held prisoner and tortured by an enemy.

I don't have any idea who I'll vote for this year. I don't know if I'll claim any party affiliation. I hope people can tell the difference between a real hero and someone who plays one on TV.

"Appearance and Attraction"

The title of this post was the topic of the lecture tonight in my class on Nonverbal Communication. It was quite interesting and we talked a lot about how we form opinions and impute favorable characteristcs to people based on their "attractiveness". Now I know we are all horrified to think this is the case, but it really is.
We also talked a lot about self image and how people's self concept can be distorted by the cultural norms or ideals. One that we talked about was women's perception of themselves. Most women view at least one part of their body as "fat". Most men would choose to be taller. It seems that none of us are satisfied with how we are!
It reminded me of Sassy's post about her recent weight loss. She posted a pic and I think everyone agrees that she looks great and has done a great job losing weight and taking care of her health. Sassy commented in her post about looking in the mirror and still seeing herself as "fat" or at least not where she thinks she should be. Even though she goes to the store and buys size 6-8, her mind is still thinking/feeling like she's in a 14. How many of us have done this? If we answer honestly, probably a lot of us have had the same or similar experience. I know I have looked at old pictures and thought, "Wow, I really looked thin there", but I think back, and ask myself if I thought of myself as thin THEN. I never felt like I was thin then, I always felt like I needed to be different than I was.

Unfortunately, Barbie is still the ideal that is put before us and portrayed in the media and to our kids. Girls as young as 4th and 5th graders report "dieting". This is crazy! I hope our country's focus on fitness and health will someday expand where we can address the health of women's self concept. Maybe Carson Kressley's new show will help. It certainly can't hurt!

"Change"

All the candidates in NH are fighting about who best embodies change.
I know the answer- it's ME.
Since 2005 I've gone from being a stay at home homeschooling Mom to a full time student and part-time paralegal.
Right now I wish I had a magic 8-ball, or a meme or website that I could insert the variables and find out where I'm going from here.
I'm trying to finish my bachelor's in Summer 08.
In February I'm taking the LSAT.
I don't know where I'm going from here, whether I go to law school, graduate school or get a job. I know my lease is up this summer and I'm moving from this little town. I just don't know where. My kids are doing ok right now- I don't like the schools they are in. The older two will probably stay where they are- too many friends and the fear of anything different will keep them here in this little town. I have hope for better things for my youngest and myself. One of those better things will be a fresh start in a new place.So many things I'd like to do, so many opportunities, yet the one that eludes me is the direct path to my sweetheart.


The one thing I know, is come 2009, I will be in a different town, whether it's a few miles down the road or a couple states away.
Anybody got a road map? I'd love to know where I'm going from here.

Gooollllleeee!

Gomer, I mean Huckabee is the projected winner in the Iowa Caucus.
Thank God, he's last in the polling in New Hampshire.

Intercultural understanding

A post over at Zoe's reminded me of something I've been working on for school. She lamented the sight of a Mother feeding her preschoolers Hostess cupcakes and Mountain Dew for breakfast. It is disheartening to think of the thousands of children who are waking up to or going to bed with this type of food on the menu morning, noon and night. I commented about how I had a co-worker, who had no idea what "broiling" was and aside from visits to Burger King, had never eaten anything broiled.

I had to read a book for school this quarter called A Framework for Understanding Poverty by Ruby K. Payne, PhD. I thought it an unusual choice for a class in Intercultural communications, because I had always thought of that concept in the traditional sense of Americans and Mexicans, or Americans and Canadians, or Americans and any other country you can name. After reading this book I have to say I think it is extremely relevant to intercultural communication. As Dr. Payne illustrates in a very short text, there are definite, huge, cultural divides between the poor, the middle class, and the wealthy. Unfortunately for the poor, the rules and norms for all our systems are written by and in the language of the middle class. What I failed to realize was that poor people are living in a system and society that plays by totally different rules than they are used to in their world. The poor have very different ideas about money. Money is to be spent. If you have extra, you help someone who needs it, or else when you need it, they won't help you. In many poor neighborhoods, the ability to fight is critical to survival. In a school setting, fighting will get you in trouble. The examples are just as shocking and seem just as ridiculous as the stories we hear of Americans going to other countries and offending the natives by their ignorance of the native cultures. (like building bridges over dry riverbeds, or spending thousands building western style homes for pacific island natives who viewed the concrete homes as "jails" and refused to occupy them. Dr. Payne's book gives short tests to see if you could survive being "poor", "middle class" or "wealthy".

From the poor test:
Do you know how to move in half a day?
Do you know how to get someone out of jail?
Do you know how to live without a bank account?

This book points out not only the effects of these differences, but also some insights into the causes. This is an excellent, short read, a real eye-opener. I highly recommend it, especially for Educators or Social service providers.

The courage of her convictions

"I'm taking the risk with my life and I'm taking the risk of facing the dangers in my country because I believe that all the children of Pakistan are as dear to me as my own children. I want to see the children of Pakistan begetted a better future than the children of my generation were."-B. Bhutto 11/10/07 on CNN

Harvard educated and two-time prime minster of Pakistan Benazir Bhutto was assassinated yesterday. She returned from exile, not with a lust for power, but with a desire to do what she could to improve the plight of her people. Her return was met with great joy. A motorcade that took her from the airport to her home (usually a 1/2 hour trip)took over 10 hours as the crowds thronged about her. That motorcade was also marred by violence, when a bomb explosion killed 130+ people. After that incident someone asked her why she didn't just take a heliocopter from the airport to her home, for security reasons. She replied that if she did that, then the terrorists by threatening violence, set the agenda and take over nations and destroy the quality of life of the people. That was not why she returned to Pakistan. I'm in awe of this woman and the courage she exhibited. I pray that her death is not in vain.


"What I'm doing is for a good cause and for a right cause, to save Pakistan from extremists and militants, to build regional security. I know the dangers are there but I'm prepared to take those risks." -B. Bhutto 9/26/07 on CNN

No one who knows me will be surprised

Brain Lateralization Test Results

Right Brain (26%) The right hemisphere is the visual, figurative, artistic, and intuitive side of the brain. Left Brain (70%) The left hemisphere is the logical, articulate, assertive, and practical side of the brain

Are You Right or Left Brained?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Left brain dominant individuals are more orderly, literal, articulate, and to the point. They are good at understanding directions and anything that is explicit and logical. They can have trouble comprehending emotions and abstract concepts, they can feel lost when things are not clear, doubting anything that is not stated and proven.



Right brain dominant individuals are more visual and intuitive. They are better at summarizing multiple points, picking up on what's not said, visualizing things, and making things up. They can lack attention to detail, directness, organization, and the ability to explain their ideas verbally, leaving them unable to communicate effectively.

Overall you appear to be Left Brain Dominant

I have the best boss....

I've said it before and I'll say it again. My boss rocks!
He's been great about letting me work around my school schedule and he is very understanding about kids and childcare issues too. He's still recovering from that very bad infection in his arm, so keep sending those prayers/good thoughts his way.
Today after going to the doctor he brought this back to the office for me:



It had six beautiful steaks, two bottles of wine, two kinds of cheese and nuts, too!
It is so nice to be appreciated.

Worth Repeating

believe what u know
inside 2 b true
follow ur gut
focus

--Rosie O'Donnell

Well, I did it

I signed up for the LSAT. I even bought this book to study for it. I have always wanted to go to law school. I guess now I'll find out if I've got what it takes.

I've heard of Christmas in July....

But not the 4th of July in December, until this weekend. Whoa!


When I look in her eyes
It aint no surprise
Sparks start a flyin like the 4th of July

She gets me so hot, my heart starts a pumpin
When we get to kissin, there aint no stoppin'

When it comes to love
She aint no slacker
My little darlin is a firecracker

When I light the fuse
I gotta get back quick
You gotta be careful with a dynamite stick

Son of a gun she fun to handle
And she packs a punch like a roman candle
She a pack of black cats in a red paper wrapper
My little darlin is a firecracker

Chorus:
We might not ought to take a roll in the hay
Cause we'd burn the barn down one of these days
Were a match made in heaven
And it aint no joke.
But Id sure I hate to see it go up in smoke

We got a good thing going
And it feels so right
Shes a firecracker
Shes the light of my life.






My beautiful S is on her way back home. We had a great weekend together. We managed to get out to a holiday concert at a local university, even though the weather was crappy and cold. My sweet Georgia peach does not do Ohio winter weather AT. ALL. . My sweetie was delighted with her $5. present from P's Santa store at school, and chided me for spending money on jewelery for her (the earrings are going back). I did help her with some things she needed for her internship, but dang I love to see her face when she sees that little box. It's always hard the last day because it hurts so bad to say goodbye. After a weekend of joy and tears, it's hard to adjust back to "normal". "Normal" is so wrong without S beside me.

Yellow Belt

We had another big event this weekend. P is officially a yellow belt in Tae Kwan Do! He took his test Monday night and he had to break a board and everything.I was so proud watching him do his forms and defenses. He's only been taking Tae Kwan Do for about 8 weeks and he is really doing well. He did an awesome job. I'm so proud of him and I think Tae Kwan Do is a great thing for kids!

It's Holiday Time!

You know it's Christmas time when your already busy schedule cranks it up a notch.
Even though I have no classes right now, I've been busy every night. Concerts, baking, and all kinds of fun stuff going on.
The best part of all-- S is coming to town on Saturday! (No, not SANTA, my sweetie)
I CAN'T WAIT!

The Greatest Generation

Lost another member this week.
Just home from the calling hours for Bob B.,aka "Buckeye" Bob.
He was my high school best friend's Dad. He served in WWII - A Seabee in the Pacifc Theatre. He built runways and
holding areas for the Enola Gay and watched it take off on its historic mission.
He was awarded the bronze star for his service.

For Bob, anything after what he'd been through in the war was a bonus. I don't think I've ever met anyone who was as optimistic and happy all the time. He lived by the Seabees famous motto: "Can Do!"

He loved sports, especially the Buckeyes. I walked up to the casket to pay my respects before leaving, and saw that one of his grandkids had put a brand new baseball in the casket with him.
RIP, Buckeye Bob.

WooWho!!!!

S got the internship! It's for a national financial services firm. This particular office only deals with high net worth clients. She went in there and knocked their socks off. It's unpaid, but the experience (and the resume entry) are worth lots! Good job honey!

My Boss is sick

Please send good thoughts/prayers for my boss.
He was out of town in trial all week. He didn't feel good when he left, and he
went to court every day instead of going to the Doctor. Finally on Thursday afternoon the trial was over and he went to the emergency room. He has a bacterial infection in his arm. He was admitted to the hospital and he's still there. On Friday he thought he'd be home this weeknend. I talked to him today and he said now it's going to be at least Tuesday. He's a very healthy, active man, but he is older so I am worried.

Sunday misc.

Sunday is usually not a good day around here. When I get the chance I like to go to church, where I have a few friends and a wonderful pastor that is supportive. This weekend I have too much schoolwork to do. These two intersession courses have all my attention this weekend.

S is going to church today with her stbx and kids as well as her Mom and Step dad. S doesn't like church anymore. I hope she enjoys the kids program today, that's why she's going. I hope her Mom and the stbx don't ruin it for her.

I'm so proud of S! She called this week about an internship at one of the major brokerages in her town. Keep your fingers crossed everybody, that S gets her chance to shine for them.

Buckeye fans everywhere are happy that Trop's Pitt Panthers beat up on my Mountaineers. Oklahoma beat up on Mizzou, so who knows what the BCS gods will make of the national title picture now? I'd say it's a Picasso, all abstract with all the facial features missing or in the wrong place, lol.

Mom, I wish you could see this:

76039 COMS 215 M01 ARGUMENT ANALY & ADVOCACY 4.0 A 16.0000

58902 COMS 304 OO1 INTERVIEWING 4.0 A 16.0000

58904 COMS 421 OO1 INSTRUCT TRNG & DVLP COMM 4.0 A 16.0000

76045 CTCH 125 M02 INTRODUCTION TO COMPUTERS 4.0 A 16.0000

Hours Hours Grade
Attempted Earned Points GPA
Term Undergraduate..........: 16.0 16.0 64.0000 4.000
Accumulative Undergraduate..: 32.0 176.0 122.6800 3.833

Congratulations! You have made the Dean's list for this quarter.

I still miss you.

Happy Thanksgiving 2007

Yeah, I know, I'm a little early. I had to celebrate with the boys tonight because they will be with their Dad from Wednesday evening to Sunday evening.
I wasn't really planning on cooking a "Thanksgiving" meal, because I knew they were going to have a big deal with their Dad and Grandparents on Thursday. Last night ds #1 says "When are we having Thanksgiving with you, Mom?" I guess I needed to cook some turkey after all.

So, today, after working till 2 and taking a final from 3-5, ds #2 and I flew through the grocery store and this is what we came up with:



We had turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, homemade stuffing, crescent rolls and those sweet potatoes that Syd couldn't even get the animals to eat at her house, lol. DS #1 loves-em and he even makes them, so they are on the menu at our house. Yep- it was a regular carb-fest, I sat down at the table before I realized I had forgotten the green beans.
Here are two of my favorite people in the whole world, and two that make me very thankful:



We topped it off (the boys did, I was waaay too full) with oreo cream pie and apple pie with cool whip. They loved our "Thanksgiving Feast". Thankfully for me they aren't too particular, although I have to say that shopping to eating start to finish in 2 1/2 hours isnt too bad!

I thought I was smart-

Then I checked S's blog....

I have said all along she's my better half. I'm not smarter, but I'm smart enough to know she's the best thing that ever happend to me!

Big fish in little ponds

I attend a branch campus of a major state university. Well, not even a branch actually, more like a twig! Two buildings in a suburban office complex and shared faculty with a larger branch campus about thirty miles away. Anyway, the administrator in charge of this campus is very aware of her authority, and wants everyone else to be too. She taught a course this quarter in the classroom next to my Monday night class. Anytime we made any noise, if we laughed or anything, she'd come over and stand in the doorway and scowl.
I was on campus yesterday taking a final and when I was done I was sitting in the office talking to a classmate who works there. This administrator comes in and says "This doesn't sound like a work related conversation" I felt like saying, yeah that's cause it's NOT. I don't work there, thank God, because I can see how that woman could suck out your will to live really quick. Heaven forbid you might actually ENJOY coming to work. I've only been there two nights a week for two quarters and even I have figured out that this woman is a total Be-yotch. I feel for the people that actually have to work with her.

Live it up!

Here's how I've spent my million so far:

My Sweetheart came to see me....

We had the best weekend! So good in fact, that when it was time to go home yesterday, S decided to stay another night!

She got here Saturday morning. The kids and I drove about an hour to pick her up at the airport. DD #1 was her usual cheery self. The boys were fine. We stopped and ate breakfast on the way home and then just ran the big kids around to their weekend activities. DD #1 managed to stay gone most of the weekend, as has been her habit lately when she is supposed to be with me.

Sunday afternoon, DD#1 made herself scarce. S & I took the boys to see the Lady Buckeyes basketball game. My boss gave me two tickets, so we just had to pay for the boys. We had great seats and the boys got to shoot a couple layups on the court after the game. They thought that was great.

Monday evening we went to my daughters marching band concert. We sat on the bleachers right in front of where she stood in formation and if looks could kill I'd definately be dead right now. She is so hateful and cold to me. I know it's coming but it still hurts.

This was such a wonderful trip. We had a great time together and we got to have the kids around, which is something we haven't been able to do in a long, long time. The boys seemed to like having S around and had fun with her. P even wrote about S in his "weekend update" at school. He wrote "my friend from GA came to visit for the weekend". God, I love that boy.

C-R-A-Z-Y week

It sure has been hectic around here.

In my Monday night class my group gave our 90 minute presentation. We used a "Fear Factor" theme and had a couple fun games, a couple of fun clips to demonstrate
"Communication Apprehension", which was our topic. We just tried to have fun with it. I didn't feel as prepared as I wanted to be for the PowerPoint presentation, but we all got through it and the other students seemed to have fun with it for the most part.

Tuesday, I spent the evening preparing for my Wednesday project, which was a debate on whether or not Casino gambling should be legal in Ohio. I had the negative side, so I had to argue against it. I hadn't had a whole lot of time to get ready so I stayed up until about 1AM.

Just as I was ready to go to bed, I realized that I LEFT MY JUMP DRIVE in the computer in my classroom at school on Monday night. YIKES- it only has all my pictures, all my coursework for the past two years, and all my divorce stuff on it. I was stressed out about it, but figured someone probably turned it in to the office. I waited until about 7AM and called a classmate who also works at the center. After several phone calls and emails and lots of freaking out, she found it on the podium in the classroom. What a relief! Not only did it have all my personal stuff on there, it also had an assignment for my Monday night class that I was going to have to do completely over if that thing didn't turn up. Thankfully it did!

On the way to the debate class this afternoon my friend Meekster called. She sounded like death on a cracker. She was SOOOO sick! She wanted to let me know becuase her son babysits P after school. She said he could still come, but I didn't want P to get sick and I figured she didn't need two 8 year olds running around when she didn't feel good. I called my good friend D and she saved the day, drove to P's school and signed him out. Both her sons and mine are close in age so D went and got N (ds#1) and took him back to her house, too.

Being so preoccupied with finding my jump drive didn't give me a lot of time this morning to prepare myself for the debate this afternoon I did manage to go over my notes and pull off a reasonable showing. I feel like it went well, but I always think of better things to say AFTER I'm done. I hate that.

I left that class on one campus and drove to my next class at the small "center" campus close to my house. My friend handed over my Jump drive and I was so happy to have it back in my hot little hands! Class was short (the Professor was not feeling well) and I was able to print off my assignment from the jump drive and get that turned in.

I was home by 9:30, pretty good for a school night. The boys were tired from playing with their friends, so they went to bed and settled down pretty quickly. I got to read a few blogs and post this GIANT post! S is working on some of her schoolwork, so I'll probably do the same before turning in. It's the end of the quarter, but with my training presentation and my debate finished, I feel like a lot of the hard part is over. I still have 1 project to turn in and then finals. I will be so glad to have a break when this quarter is done!

Motrin is not dope

Talking to S on her way to work this morning:

S: my back hurts

J: Did you take any motrin?

S: I can't take that stuff everyday. Why do you want to keep me doped up all the time?

S will never be an addict, lol, as long as she is worried about the addictive effects of ibuprofen!

"Passing" for straight

I feel like such an idiot.

I was at school working on a group project with my classmates. Our project is about communication apprehension. We were discussing questions to ask in the initial part of our presentation to make people feel apprehensive and understand what that's like.
One of the kids in the group said why don't we ask "Do you think homosexuality is wrong?" That was followed by a discussion of who in the class might be gay. I was extremely uncomfortable, as I am not out at school (other than to 1, maybe two professors). I felt awful for not speaking up. I am at a small branch campus, these are all students in my major whom I will have to work with and be in class with for the next year. From their conversations, I have determined that at least two of the three are from a fundamentalist background. Even if the college experience has opened their minds somewhat, I don't know how they would've reacted to me disclosing my sexuality to them.

One part of me says, it's none of their business, and I shouldn't feel bad for keeping my business private. The other part feels like I'm denying myself and hurting others for not showing my classmates that gay people are around them all the time and they don't even know it.


One of my professors, Dr. K, refers to our part of the country as "The Mississippi of the north" for it lack of tolerance and the pervasive influcence of the fundamentalist churches. I can't say she is wrong in her assessment. Having been a fundie myself, I know their ways. They do exert a powerful influence in the everyday culture here.

I just want to go to school and be able to be myself. I guess I still have more to learn about my own communication apprehension.

I think I brought up my average

P & I carved our first pumpkin. It was so much fun! I'm sure his teacher had fun helping a whole class of third graders clean out pumpkins. He brought it home and he got so excited when I suggested we carve it. He thinks I'm a rock star now!

Justice for PH*ELPs

Infamous purveyor of hate gets his due:

Let's hope that jury award puts a crimp in their travel budget.

Snyder's attorney told jurors to pick an amount "that says don't do this in Maryland again. Do not bring your circus of hate to Maryland again," according to The Associated Press.

S thinks she got knocked up!

I wish. She said she felt sick this morning and I teased her that we should have been more careful on our trip. Smile. She can't have any more babies anyway, and I'm too old. It's a fun thought though.

In school "A", in Motherhood, "F"

Things have been so crazy around here. I have spent most of my evenings "on the road", taking the kids to their activities, going to work and school. Most evenings we get home in time to wash up and go to bed. I have managed somehow to keep up in all my coures. I have all A's going into the final weeks of fall quarter.

I wish I could say I was doing as well in Motherhood! Today I barely escaped the shame of all shames- sending my son to school without his pumpkin! His teacher sent a note home last week that he needed a pumpkin today. I remembered yesterday while I was in a meeting with my classmates about a project, then promptly forgot until it was time to take him to school this morning. Fortunately for me, there is a house around the corner with pumpkins for sale in the front yard. I felt like such an idiot knocking on a stranger's door at 8:40 this morning to buy a pumpkin, but hey, P had his pumpkin and he even made it to school on time- disaster averted. I am looking forward to having a break between quarters so the kids and I can just chill out at home and not be going some place every night.

I miss S

S sent me this today. She hurt her back Thursday during a tennis lesson. I wish I was there. I love her smile.

Southern Travelogue

Yes, I have returned, VERY reluctantly to the cold confines of the Midwest. I much prefer the warm sunny climate of Savannah and welcoming arms of S. It was one of our best trips ever, even though it started out on a rough note.

I was scheduled to depart at 1pm local time via Sky*bus, a new low cost air carrier. They don't fly directly to Savannah, but they fly to St Augustine, Florida a short drive to the south. No problem, we thought. I was scheduled to arrive in St Augustine before 3, then we'd be home in Savannah by 6. Things didn't go exactly as planned. My flight was delayed. We were boarded, deplaned and boarded again. We didn't depart until 5:45pm, so I didn't make it to Florida until 7pm. It was 10:30 before we got to Savannah.

S greeted me at the airport with these beautiful flowers.



I had had a very trying day and she had been waiting for me for hours so she decided to pick these up for me, along with some very nice earrings. She also got a haircut, and shopped for my boys and her girls. Flight delays can be very costly, lol!

We drove back to Savannah to a very sweet place we found on Craigslist. It was a very cozy ground floor apartment in the historic district. We liked that it had a separate living area where we could study and watch TV. It also had a kitchen so we could cook for ourselves (although due to the flight delay we didn't end up using it too much)

Saturday we did a quick trip to Macy's for a couple of things we needed and then we just stayed in the apartment for the most part, napping and relaxing. I did venture out for a walk in the historic district while S did some reading. We had a wonderful lunch at The New South Cafe. Seriously people, if you go to Savannah, you must go to this place. It is AWESOME. We had the best meal of the whole trip. I had the catfish and S had salmon. Both were delicious beyond words, and our check was less than $25.00.

Saturday night we walked from our little hideaway to a restaurant in the historic district that S wanted to try. Unfortunately, we lacked the necessary reservations, so we ended up eating at the Jazz'd Tapas Bar . The food was good, but we both agreed that The New South was better. S said the best part of her meal was the she-crab stew. It would have helped if they had a band, but we were probably there too early for that. They did have the Georgia/Vanderbilt game on the tv in the bar when we came in (If you can call that a game, lol)

After we left the restaurant, we were very full and tired from all the walking earlier in the day, so we tried one of these. The driver kept saying he was having trouble because he had a "bad cab", but we thought it was more the fact that he probably weighed 100 pounds soaking wet and between S and I he was trying to move about 300 lbs. lol. After he got us a few blocks closer to our destination we gave him a reprieve and a generous tip.

After that, we walked the rest of the way home and spent the rest of our trip just having quiet time together (OK,some of it was not so quiet ; ). It's hard to be in a long distance relationship, and one of the hardest parts is not having those "regular" things to do and be if you're always in a hotel room, sight-seeing and eating out like you're on a "trip". This time we tried really hard to just have some of those everyday times that couples who actually share the same zip code probably take for granted. I have to give credit where it's due. It was all S's idea and it was a great one.

Thursday Rant ( You've been warned)

Well, it's been quite a day.
I should be excited and happy about seeing S tomorrow.
Instead, I'm frustrated and upset.
My ex refuses to acknowledge that he is not in charge any more.
His attorney sent a letter to my attorney about a child's basketball league.
Hello? We are already divorced, remember? What are the attorneys going to do about it other than charge us $200 an hour to write letters back and forth?
I asked him if he had money just laying around to throw away on that bs and he just mumbled something about his parental "rights" and how I'm severing the kids ties with the community becuase I don't want them to play in a basketball league this winter.
I forgot to pick up DD #1 at band practice. Completely. forgot. I don't see her very much at all (her choice) and I have been running like crazy all week trying to get caught up on school work and take care of projects and midterms. She called me as I was on the way home from my test, after a friend's Mom brought her to my apartment. She was not very happy. I took dinner home, then had to run another errand before I had to take her back to her Dads. She was in trouble with him, and usually when she's in trouble, she'll start on the "Mom doesn't love me" kick to divert attention from her own misbehavior. So after she "vented" to Dad, she called me to tell me that I treated her like dirt under my feet. I spent the next half hour on the phone setting her straight. The fact is, I have been giving her what she says she wants. I have allowed her to have her way, I haven't compelled her to spend time with the boys and I. So before, when I was making her go with us, she was mistreated, and now that I don't make her she's mistreated. I can't win.

I paid off all the attorneys this week- finally. I had hoped that would be the end of it, but since the ex still feels the need to write to his attorney about every little thing, I guess I may have to keep mine around. I told my attorney and the GAL that my ex would not "settle down" after the divorce was over, he would only get worse w/o the court looking over his shoulder. He is such a jerk.

I'm leaving town tomorrow. S and I are taking a weekend trip. Any more days like today and I might not come back!

I got hurt playing Wii

That's what I get for laughing at Zoe. She was lamenting the fact that the last time she played Wii, she messed up her back. I managed to mess up my neck and I wasn't even playing! I got this game system for the boys for Christmas, but ended up caving and giving it to them last night. They were playing with it, I was standing in the kitchen facing the counter, talking on the phone. DS #2 comes up behind me puts a hand on each shoulder and jumps on my back saying "Thank you, thank you , thank you!" He is normally pretty rambunctious but this was a little much even for him. It made me drop the phone and everything. I wasn't thanking him this morning when the pain in my neck woke me up before the alarm clock did. I don't think the chiropractor's office is even open today. Muscle relaxers, anyone?

"... it is easier to overcome people's judgments than to overcome our own self-judgment, the fear we internalize." -- Arianna Huffington in Newsweek.

She said this in an article about women and power. She said something else that struck a chord with me as well. She said that it was so important to her that her Mom believed in her and made her think anything was possible. She made her believe that she could shoot for the stars and that if she failed, her Mom would still love her and accept her for who she is/was. This strong influence of her Mother and encouragement even when others discouraged or disbelieved helped Ms. Huffington get where she is today. I don't know that much about her, but I think these sentiments are profound. I know the first quote is so true in my life. S has helped me to see that in a lot of circumstances in the past, the biggest obstacle to my success was me. I'm trying really hard to change that mindset in my life and make sure that ds#1 & 2 never have that damn doubting voice in their heads.

I'm so ashamed....

I would never pass for a computer nerd or a sci-fi or comic book nerd.
Awkward has always been my strong suit.

Pink ribbons, etc.

A post over at Sassy's, the Sunday paper, and events of the day have all combined to bring you this post.

No one ever likes to lose a parent, no disease is a "good" disease, we hate them all, most especially the ones that take our loved ones from us.

I found out after my Mother died of lung cancer, that it is the # 1 cancer killer of women. It far outpaces, breast, ovarian, colorectal combined. We fund research for breast cancer at the rate of around $22,000.00 per cancer death. That number for lung cancer is only $1700.00. $1700.00!!! What is worse is that the differences in how this disease affects men vs women are not understood or really even being studied. So many women who are stricken with lung cancer, like Dana Reeve, NEVER smoked.

According to Sunday's Parade magazine the five year survival rate for breast cancer victims is 89%. The five year survival rate for women with lung cancer is 16% . By the time we knew Mom was sick, it had already invaded her brain. I'm so glad that breast cancer has gotten so much attention and funding that they've been able to make such great strides. I hope that lung cancer will get the same treatment soon.

If you still have your parents, be glad, call them and tell them you love them.

Rest in Peace, GH

My day started this morning when my boss called and said not to come into work because a semi had knocked down the power lines around the office and they weren't letting anyone in. Cool! extra time to catch up on school work, or so I thought.

I had just hung up with my boss when my cousin's girlfriend called informing me that my cousin was near death. He had been in the hospital for a few weeks and in very poor health for some time. I had been to see him on Friday afternoon and actually spoke to him then. He wasn't awake/alert/aware too much after that day. He was extremely overweight and his body just gave out. He was a sweet, sweet man who had a lot of talent that I am sorry to say never got used to it's full potential.

If dealing with a death isn't enough, family things mean dealing with "family", who seemed to have a distinct preference for my ex over me. My Aunt ( the uber christian) who when told her son was dying and to call me and my sister to see about staying with one of us, called my sister and my ex instead. and MY sister, who invites MY children and my EX to family functions. (and doesn't invite me) I just went down there today for my cousin and my brother. My brother will probably tell them all where to go before it's all said and done.

On days like this, I wonder what I am doing here, 700 miles from S. I never ever want to wake up in a hospital bed looking at my "family". They are only there for you as long as you agree with them.