We might be crawling....

But S and I are back in the race. Slowly, deliberately, cautiously, with HOPE. Thanks to everyone who lent an ear and a shoulder to cry on.

A Shocking Experience (almost)

Well, as if having butch points in the negative numbers isn't bad enough, I had to go and have a hair raising experience this afternoon. I have been trying for months to get a dryer that some friends were going to let me "store" for them and use. I was finally able to get it- with the help of my friend Meekster and her hubby. We go get it and my friends put it in the truck for us. Two other friends drove over with the strap we needed to secure the dryer in the back of the truck for the 20 mile drive back to my house. Meekster and I drive back to my place and her Hubs meets us there and they carry it into my apartment. Of course, it has a three prong outlet on it and my outlet is 4-prong. I drive on down to Best Buy and pick up the right cord. I take it out of the package and I say to myself, I'm going to MAKE SURE this is the right cord before I put it on the dryer. So I bop on over to the outlet and plug it in.... it promptly sparked, tripped the breaker, and scared the crap out of me. I didn't even think about the other ends of the wires touching each other- they were all nicely wrapped in a little piece of saran wrap. Once I removed the melted saran wrap and wiped all the soot off, the cord was fine. Once I wrestled the other cord off, lost a screw inside the dryer, and finally got the new cord on, it only took me half the afternoon and a phone call to Mr. Meekster. I had to get in behind the dryer to hook up the vent, then climb over the back of the dryer to get out. But I can now WASH and DRY my clothes in the comfort of my own home. Woo who! THANK YOU M,J, J, M, MEEKSTER AND MR. MEEKSTER!

words to live by

believe what u know
inside 2 b true
follow ur gut
focus

--Rosie O'Donnell

Everyday things

GOOD THINGS:

A job that I like

An understanding boss that lets me adjust my schedule to take classes

My kids

A car that is paid for and still runs

Going to college

Short workday on Friday

BAD THINGS:

Finding the love of your life and losing her

Being alone in a crowd

ex husbands

legal fees

sleepless nights

3rd Grade homework (no offense to 3rd grade teachers : )

juggling childcare to go to school

Walls

Last night in class we had a field trip. We went to a meeting/training facility that is one of those kinda fun/quirky/ laid back places. No rows of plastic chairs, overstuffed furniture, bright colors, very relaxed.

One of the group activities they use a lot involves using Mr. Potato heads. The owner said they use it a lot to get people to let their hair down. Their whole philosphy at this center is about having fun, and emphasizing play, thinking out of the box, etc. He was emphasizing that when people relax, they are open to new ideas and new ways of thinking, etc. It was hard for me to be in there playing with Mr. Potato heads like I don't have anything else to think about with so much going on. This class is about training and the instructor is one of those high energy, enthusiastic types. That is so not me. I'm more your bespeckled librarian with my nose in a book.

How come I feel like I can't relax? I feel like I have walls all around me. I'm the only one on the inside.

Talked to S today. A few times, actually. It's really hard to shift my whole way of thinking about my life, but I'm trying. I miss having a dream to look forward to.

It's just me and ds#2 this week. The other two are with their Dad. I miss ds#1 when he's there. dd#1 is only with me a couple weekends a month. Unfortunately, with the way she acts/treats me, that seems to be all I can take of her right now.
DS#2 is finishing up his schoolwork ( he had extra since he missed school yesterday).
Third grade is a lot harder the second time around, lol

Monday

Today was different. Work has been very busy lately and on top of that, my youngest decided today that he was "sick" and needed to stay home from school. Since my boss was out of town I decided to take my son to work with me. I wasn't too sure that he was sick, but one of his little friends really had been sick, so I didn't want to send him and have him throwing up everywhere at school.

Shortly after we got to work, my suspicions were confirmed, definately NOT sick. He went bounding up the steps to my office. He picked up his book and climbed up in the chair and began reading. He did give the office the quick once over. He discoverd the typewriter and now thinks that is the greatest invention ever. He even said he wants a job where he "gets" to use a typewriter, lol.

After work I dropped my son off at the sitter's so I could go to class. I had emailed my professor saying I might be late because of a child care issue. She emailed back and said- bring him to class if you need to. I'm glad she is understanding because I may have to do that at some point before this quarter is over. I have childcare arranged for one evening and my ex said he would take his midweek on the other night. That lasted all of 2 weeks. Next week he wants his "midweek" on FRIDAY. Whatever. Friday is not one of my school nights.

Missed S today. A lot. cried in the car- I don't know if its the music on the radio, or just being alone and having a minute to sit and think. It's definately not a good thing. Just got to keep going I guess.

Marathon

What happens when you hit the wall? I'm not much of a runner, never ran more than a few miles at a time. I've heard the stories Marathon runners tell about hitting " the wall" at mile 21 or so. Your body wants to stop so badly, and sometimes it's only grit and mental toughness that wills you forward.

S and I have hit the wall. We've been apart since December of 2005, fighting, scratching, clawing to stay in the race. We've been "Taking Steps" on our journey. Some days were "downhill", some were flat, easy running. We've had a few hills, hell, we've climbed some mountains.

But now, our bodies fail us, our muscles ache, tremble, struggle to keep us upright and moving forward. It's hard to see the end from where we are, hard to know when the finish line will come. Without that incentive, our minds despair of making it through. I fear we've been forced off the course. I'm on the pavement, wrapped in a space blanket, to weak to stand, to tired to care that I'm laying in the street. Too much time, too many hard things, too much distance. So many days she picked me up and helped me keep going. So many times I was there cheering her on. Now I fear our paths must diverge. How many tries before we finish the race? I feel such a failure for giving up, yet I know I cannot go further.

Everything around me reminds me of her, of our hopes, dreams and plans for a life and a future together. I hate my life. I hate that I'm here and she's there.

S- you're a beautiful lady, you deserve the best. You deserve to have someone there with you every day loving you and making your life easier, not harder. For what it's worth, know that I understand that we both did the best we could.

S- I love you. You're free. Be happy.

And you are the love of my life
All the joy and tears that I cry
And baby baby baby
You don't have to say a word
I see it in your eyes

Syd, I think you missed your calling

I was browsing the news page yesterday and came across this story

http://www.alexfoundation.org/

Some woman bought an African Grey Parrot while she was in college and she spent the next 30 years getting paid to study "avian cognition". It said the bird could count to six, understood the concept of zero and had a vocabulary of 40 or so words.

Now I know, this bird was smart, but I'm sure his vocabulary isn't nearly as colorful as Pepe's.

Tell me people, where can I get a job like this? This woman found a pet she loved and turned it into a paying job. Do you think anybody will pay me to spout off useless facts about the Civil War, 70's TV trivia, or American politics? Maybe I should just develop an affinity for some type of laboratory animal....

The Week in Review

Things that annoyed me-

My ex. I guess I should just get used to it. It doesn't really matter what he does, I can pretty much count on him being annoying.

S and I had issues this week. The distance is making me crazy. We are both frustrated and tired of being apart. My divorce is over, but we still have a lot of things to get through before we can be together. We're waiting on her stbx to sign papers. We have career goals, personal goals, goals for our life together, and of course our children to consider. We are taking steps, every day. Some days it seems like we are so close, and other days it seems like we will never get there.


Things that went well-

I got a lot accomplished at work. I have been staying busy and it is a challenge to keep up with all the different things going on. Organization isn't really my strong point.

I made progress this week on my name change. I have officially taken back my birth name, and it's been a chore to change bank accounts, social security, insurance, school, etc.etc.

I started another quarter at school. I'm taking 16 hours again, which I found to be quite challenging last quarter. I'm hoping it will be easier this quarter, as 3 of the 4 course I took over the summer were short session courses, cramming 10-11 weeks of material into 5 weeks. This quarter I have the full 11 weeks for all the courses.

I talked to my older son about S. I wasn't really direct, but he is the kind of kid that doesnt really want to be hit over the head with stuff. I told him that I love S and that I want to live with her someday. I'm sure it doesn't really surprise him, considering we are constantly talking on the phone, and her picture is all over the place. He didn't really want to talk about it, and I didn't press him. He wasn't upset at all. I am so relieved. I had already talked to my younger son a week or so ago- he was ok with everything. I asked him if it would be ok if I married a "girl" and he said it was ok as long as she wasn't mean. lol.

Oh, mirror in the sky -What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin'...ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
I don't know.....I don't know

Well I've been afraid of changin'
because I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder, even children get older
And I'm getting older too....

So, take my love...take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
and if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills...
well the landslide will bring it down
The landslide will bring it down

FRUSTRATION!

My sweetie is 700 miles away.
She is frustrated, sad and tired.
I cannot fix it long distance.
Sundays suck.
I just want to be with S.
Is that too much to ask?
She has worked so hard.
She is working, attending school and
dealing with so many other things too.
She deserves all the sweet things in life.
I'm sick of her doing without.
Mostly I'm sick of not being there to help her
when it gets hard.