Filling in the Blanks

In case anyone is lost-

I made my ex husband aware that I was planning to move to Jacksonville this spring and take my youngest son with me. He proceeded to ask a court for a restraining order against me and for full custody of all my children. He also wants me to pay him child support. My 16 yr old daughter hates me and is already with her father full time. This is definitely a low point for me.
My oldest son does not want to move, he seems to want to move in with his father permanently. (His father also happened to give him his own room and buy him a golf membership this summer) My youngest son, P wants to be with his mommy wherever I go.
The judge granted the restraining order so as of right now I can't leave the state with my youngest. The custody hearing was also set for the end of August- of course not in time for me to start school.
I filed papers asking for the judge to lift the restraining order and/or move the custody date up. His decision is what I am waiting on.
Yesterday, a new school accepted me so now I have a new option. Even if the judge does not lift the restraining order I still have a chance to attend law school this fall.
While I'm waiting I am trying to work on both my case( my boss is my lawyer and my ex's lawyer is frequently sending us threatening faxes) and my boss's other cases. I'm also trying to finish three classes I failed to finish last quarter and pass two new classes. I have 5 weeks left to finish them all and say goodbye to Ohio U. I also have to find a new place to live hopefully close to this new law school. Oh and I have until Aug 1 to do all this and pack and move.
I'm stressed and exhausted but what a ride.
I know Cinci is not Jax but it has its advantages.

Karma.

"Reverend Mother always says when the Lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window."

-Maria, from THE SOUND OF MUSIC

Karma?

Still waiting for the Judge to make his opinion known. The days keep ticking by and the uncertainty is hard to deal with. It's tempting sometimes to just say "I'm not going anywhere" and make all the turmoil stop. The only trouble with that is, I cannot stand to stay here. I really can't. So for right now- uncertainty is what it's all about. I'd love to skip ahead to the end and see how this story turns out.

Positives to be happy about:

P got his Light Blue Belt! He had to break another board- and got it on the first try. He is really enjoying Tae Kwan Do.

S is liking her new job.

Spent a great weekend with S in Jacksonville. Great weather, great food, WONDERFUL company. Someday I'd like to call it home. Not sure if now is the time or not.

Got a lot of schoolwork done yesterday- despite being in transit. Spending hours on the runway waiting for the storms to clear over my destination did have one unintended benefit. Not much else to distract me when it's just me and my carry on bag. One seat-mate slept, the other was a devotee of sudoku. That made class work on MS Office slightly more interesting than staring at the back of the seat in front of me.

Calling all good Karma...

Today a judge will sit at his desk and make decisions that will change my life. Please send all your positive energy his way so he sees things as they should be seen.

Graduation Day

Graduation day was really fun! It was great to see my classmates one last time.
My kids were there and some very dear friends took time to come through a bad thunderstorm to see me graduate. It was really nice to have someone there cheering me on. When I graduated in '06 it was just the kids and the ex brought them, so that was, well, awkward.

The speeches were on typical graduation themes- but several of them spoke to my heart. One speaker spoke of finding the courage to pursue your dreams. Another talked about confidence and how it has to come from within.

My friends M & J went all out for me. M brought her camera and took lots of pictures. They bought flowers and a cake and after the ceremony the kids and I went back to their house and had pizza.

S was ok with not being there till the day came, and then she was sorry she missed it. It couldn't be helped, job obligations made it impossible for her to come. I hope to have ONE MORE graduation in me and have my whole family there.

I'll be lonely this week- all the kids are gone on vacation with their Dad. I really miss them and I just sent them off yesterday :(

Don't make plans for this evening.....

You're all going to graduation with me... I had trouble deciding how to decorate my mortarboard until Syd put Wordle on her blog yesterday. For everyone that helped me along the way- thanks. I wouldn't be where I am today without all of you. :)

Word Cloud

I guess you'll have to click on the picture to see all the words- I can't make it any bigger for some reason.

Confidence?

What makes you confident?
If someone isn't confident, can you tell?
How does someone who isn't confident gain confidence?
How do you help your kids be more confident?

"Am I Blue" ?

I just read Alice Walker's essay "Am I Blue" for one of my English classes. In it she describes the life of a horse in a pasture near her home. She recounts how the horse is at various times somewhat content, bored and lonely, joyful, grief stricken
and angry.

I feel so much like the horse "Blue". As the story begins the horse seems happy enough, eating fresh spring grass in the pasture. As spring turns to summer, the horse finds no joy in the dry grass and wanders about the pasture alone, finding little happiness in his surroundings or his life.

All that changes when another horse is added to the pasture. A female horse is brought in to mate with Blue. Blue is uncertain at first, not having had another horse in the pasture before. He soon comes to love and accept the other horse as his companion. Alice Walker describes the look of joy, the confidence she sees in Blue's eyes. She describes it as "this is it-ness". Blue has arrived and his life is complete.

Once the companion horse becomes pregnant she is taken away. Blue's joy turns to despair. He refuses to eat the apples Alice brings him, he tears at the ground with his hooves, runs around the pasture just to wear himself out. The look Alice sees in his eyes is one of grief and disgust, a "how could your kind do this to me?" look.

This story parallels how I feel about my life in so many ways. Before S, I was going through the motions. I was reeling from the trials of those few years right before she came into my life. When she came, I didn't understand it at first. After working through my feelings and finding for the first time in my life real JOY, I knew things would have to be different. Not knowing what would happen, fearful of the changes that would inevitably result of being honest about our feelings, I went forward. I took the plunge. Being honest has been very liberating.

Others didn't like the honesty. S did her best, and seeing an opportunity to free herself from a bad situation, she took it. She took a step away in an attempt to get back to where we wanted to be. She took the word of others who said they would help, when in fact their motives were selfish. Doing so caused us to be separated.

I feel just like Blue did. I look around my "pasture" and I wonder what in the world I am doing here. Where is S, why did they take her away? How can I get back to her? Things that once gave me joy have no effect. Nothing is right anymore. Once you've had "this is it-ness", it's hard to content yourself with anything less.

Our lives apart batter us, they knock us off our feet. We tire of the struggle to be together, but can't fathom being apart. The love we feel tears at our hearts and the pain of separation is sometimes too much to bear. Anyone that looks close enough will see in our eyes that we are afraid, still trying to hope, but confronted every day with the cold hard fact of being apart. Will it be my lot in life to content myself with the memory of "this is it-ness" or will I get to know that feeling again?