A Shocking Experience (almost)

Well, as if having butch points in the negative numbers isn't bad enough, I had to go and have a hair raising experience this afternoon. I have been trying for months to get a dryer that some friends were going to let me "store" for them and use. I was finally able to get it- with the help of my friend Meekster and her hubby. We go get it and my friends put it in the truck for us. Two other friends drove over with the strap we needed to secure the dryer in the back of the truck for the 20 mile drive back to my house. Meekster and I drive back to my place and her Hubs meets us there and they carry it into my apartment. Of course, it has a three prong outlet on it and my outlet is 4-prong. I drive on down to Best Buy and pick up the right cord. I take it out of the package and I say to myself, I'm going to MAKE SURE this is the right cord before I put it on the dryer. So I bop on over to the outlet and plug it in.... it promptly sparked, tripped the breaker, and scared the crap out of me. I didn't even think about the other ends of the wires touching each other- they were all nicely wrapped in a little piece of saran wrap. Once I removed the melted saran wrap and wiped all the soot off, the cord was fine. Once I wrestled the other cord off, lost a screw inside the dryer, and finally got the new cord on, it only took me half the afternoon and a phone call to Mr. Meekster. I had to get in behind the dryer to hook up the vent, then climb over the back of the dryer to get out. But I can now WASH and DRY my clothes in the comfort of my own home. Woo who! THANK YOU M,J, J, M, MEEKSTER AND MR. MEEKSTER!

words to live by

believe what u know
inside 2 b true
follow ur gut
focus

--Rosie O'Donnell

Everyday things

GOOD THINGS:

A job that I like

An understanding boss that lets me adjust my schedule to take classes

My kids

A car that is paid for and still runs

Going to college

Short workday on Friday

BAD THINGS:

Finding the love of your life and losing her

Being alone in a crowd

ex husbands

legal fees

sleepless nights

3rd Grade homework (no offense to 3rd grade teachers : )

juggling childcare to go to school

Walls

Last night in class we had a field trip. We went to a meeting/training facility that is one of those kinda fun/quirky/ laid back places. No rows of plastic chairs, overstuffed furniture, bright colors, very relaxed.

One of the group activities they use a lot involves using Mr. Potato heads. The owner said they use it a lot to get people to let their hair down. Their whole philosphy at this center is about having fun, and emphasizing play, thinking out of the box, etc. He was emphasizing that when people relax, they are open to new ideas and new ways of thinking, etc. It was hard for me to be in there playing with Mr. Potato heads like I don't have anything else to think about with so much going on. This class is about training and the instructor is one of those high energy, enthusiastic types. That is so not me. I'm more your bespeckled librarian with my nose in a book.

How come I feel like I can't relax? I feel like I have walls all around me. I'm the only one on the inside.

Talked to S today. A few times, actually. It's really hard to shift my whole way of thinking about my life, but I'm trying. I miss having a dream to look forward to.

It's just me and ds#2 this week. The other two are with their Dad. I miss ds#1 when he's there. dd#1 is only with me a couple weekends a month. Unfortunately, with the way she acts/treats me, that seems to be all I can take of her right now.
DS#2 is finishing up his schoolwork ( he had extra since he missed school yesterday).
Third grade is a lot harder the second time around, lol

Monday

Today was different. Work has been very busy lately and on top of that, my youngest decided today that he was "sick" and needed to stay home from school. Since my boss was out of town I decided to take my son to work with me. I wasn't too sure that he was sick, but one of his little friends really had been sick, so I didn't want to send him and have him throwing up everywhere at school.

Shortly after we got to work, my suspicions were confirmed, definately NOT sick. He went bounding up the steps to my office. He picked up his book and climbed up in the chair and began reading. He did give the office the quick once over. He discoverd the typewriter and now thinks that is the greatest invention ever. He even said he wants a job where he "gets" to use a typewriter, lol.

After work I dropped my son off at the sitter's so I could go to class. I had emailed my professor saying I might be late because of a child care issue. She emailed back and said- bring him to class if you need to. I'm glad she is understanding because I may have to do that at some point before this quarter is over. I have childcare arranged for one evening and my ex said he would take his midweek on the other night. That lasted all of 2 weeks. Next week he wants his "midweek" on FRIDAY. Whatever. Friday is not one of my school nights.

Missed S today. A lot. cried in the car- I don't know if its the music on the radio, or just being alone and having a minute to sit and think. It's definately not a good thing. Just got to keep going I guess.

Marathon

What happens when you hit the wall? I'm not much of a runner, never ran more than a few miles at a time. I've heard the stories Marathon runners tell about hitting " the wall" at mile 21 or so. Your body wants to stop so badly, and sometimes it's only grit and mental toughness that wills you forward.

S and I have hit the wall. We've been apart since December of 2005, fighting, scratching, clawing to stay in the race. We've been "Taking Steps" on our journey. Some days were "downhill", some were flat, easy running. We've had a few hills, hell, we've climbed some mountains.

But now, our bodies fail us, our muscles ache, tremble, struggle to keep us upright and moving forward. It's hard to see the end from where we are, hard to know when the finish line will come. Without that incentive, our minds despair of making it through. I fear we've been forced off the course. I'm on the pavement, wrapped in a space blanket, to weak to stand, to tired to care that I'm laying in the street. Too much time, too many hard things, too much distance. So many days she picked me up and helped me keep going. So many times I was there cheering her on. Now I fear our paths must diverge. How many tries before we finish the race? I feel such a failure for giving up, yet I know I cannot go further.

Everything around me reminds me of her, of our hopes, dreams and plans for a life and a future together. I hate my life. I hate that I'm here and she's there.

S- you're a beautiful lady, you deserve the best. You deserve to have someone there with you every day loving you and making your life easier, not harder. For what it's worth, know that I understand that we both did the best we could.

S- I love you. You're free. Be happy.

And you are the love of my life
All the joy and tears that I cry
And baby baby baby
You don't have to say a word
I see it in your eyes

Syd, I think you missed your calling

I was browsing the news page yesterday and came across this story

http://www.alexfoundation.org/

Some woman bought an African Grey Parrot while she was in college and she spent the next 30 years getting paid to study "avian cognition". It said the bird could count to six, understood the concept of zero and had a vocabulary of 40 or so words.

Now I know, this bird was smart, but I'm sure his vocabulary isn't nearly as colorful as Pepe's.

Tell me people, where can I get a job like this? This woman found a pet she loved and turned it into a paying job. Do you think anybody will pay me to spout off useless facts about the Civil War, 70's TV trivia, or American politics? Maybe I should just develop an affinity for some type of laboratory animal....

The Week in Review

Things that annoyed me-

My ex. I guess I should just get used to it. It doesn't really matter what he does, I can pretty much count on him being annoying.

S and I had issues this week. The distance is making me crazy. We are both frustrated and tired of being apart. My divorce is over, but we still have a lot of things to get through before we can be together. We're waiting on her stbx to sign papers. We have career goals, personal goals, goals for our life together, and of course our children to consider. We are taking steps, every day. Some days it seems like we are so close, and other days it seems like we will never get there.


Things that went well-

I got a lot accomplished at work. I have been staying busy and it is a challenge to keep up with all the different things going on. Organization isn't really my strong point.

I made progress this week on my name change. I have officially taken back my birth name, and it's been a chore to change bank accounts, social security, insurance, school, etc.etc.

I started another quarter at school. I'm taking 16 hours again, which I found to be quite challenging last quarter. I'm hoping it will be easier this quarter, as 3 of the 4 course I took over the summer were short session courses, cramming 10-11 weeks of material into 5 weeks. This quarter I have the full 11 weeks for all the courses.

I talked to my older son about S. I wasn't really direct, but he is the kind of kid that doesnt really want to be hit over the head with stuff. I told him that I love S and that I want to live with her someday. I'm sure it doesn't really surprise him, considering we are constantly talking on the phone, and her picture is all over the place. He didn't really want to talk about it, and I didn't press him. He wasn't upset at all. I am so relieved. I had already talked to my younger son a week or so ago- he was ok with everything. I asked him if it would be ok if I married a "girl" and he said it was ok as long as she wasn't mean. lol.

Oh, mirror in the sky -What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin'...ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
I don't know.....I don't know

Well I've been afraid of changin'
because I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder, even children get older
And I'm getting older too....

So, take my love...take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
and if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills...
well the landslide will bring it down
The landslide will bring it down

FRUSTRATION!

My sweetie is 700 miles away.
She is frustrated, sad and tired.
I cannot fix it long distance.
Sundays suck.
I just want to be with S.
Is that too much to ask?
She has worked so hard.
She is working, attending school and
dealing with so many other things too.
She deserves all the sweet things in life.
I'm sick of her doing without.
Mostly I'm sick of not being there to help her
when it gets hard.

The week in review

THINGS THAT ANNOYED ME:

- getting a certified letter from by ex's employer addressed to MR J_____ L______.

- My DD calling me and saying she thinks the reason that I got divorced was because I am gay.

- Paying my old attorney 3k. Realizing I still owe her $5500. ( let's not even get started on the new attorney)

-

THINGS THAT MADE MY WEEK

-Seeing my scantily clad sweetie on web cam

-Checking by bank account online and finding an unexpected deposit. checking with the child support agency and finding out it was an arrearage.

-Faxing them the final decree to show that there is even more arrearage to pay!

-Having my ex grudgingly tell me about all the retirement assets he's transferring into my name.

-A week off from school!

-Getting my grades and finding myself on the Dean's List

- Staying home with DS#1 when he was sick. I didn't want him to feel bad- but it was wonderful hear him say he wanted me to stay home with him(especially after dd#1 stunt this week) He's 13 but he's still my boy.

-My sweetie giving her stbx the divorce papers!

A worthy cause

One of the last things I did summer quarter was a speech about girls as young as six years old being sold into slavery in Nepal. There's a great organization out there that is trying to do something about it- the Nepalese Youth Opportunity Foundation.

I really enjoyed my speech class. It's not that I'm that great at public speaking, I'm not. It was small, about 7-8 students. Very divergent group. I heard speeches on everything from vampires to banking to Mormonism. It made things interesting.

I took 3 short term courses this quarter- I wouldn't recommend it. It doesn't seem like you have a chance to settle into a routine before it's over. Time management is not one of my strengths, though, so maybe others would handle it better.

I'm up late with my third grader doing homework. My DS#1 is already in bed. He is going on a very cool school trip tomorrow. I have to have him at the airport at 5:15am. He is going on an "Arts" trip to Chicago. They are staying at a swanky downtown hotel, going to a baseball game, a dinner cruise, seeing blue man group, the Field Museum, etc. etc. Man, I wish I was going.

It's About Time

It is officially over.

I AM DIVORCED!!

FINALLY!

It only took 18 months and 40K, but hey, who's counting?

No time to celebrate, the quarter ends on Saturday and I still have assignments to turn in...

Interpersonal communication

I thought I'd share a little something from my school work with all (all 2) of you that drop by from time to time to read my ramblings. The discussion board assignment was about interpersonal conflict and how/if male/females respond or react differently. The second part asked if we thought that conflict was handled differently in same sex relationships vs. male-female relatonships. Here's what I wrote:


I don't think GLBT couples are any different from heterosexual couples. In my experience, the role each partner assumes is more a function of their personality than of their gender or some notion of what an appropriate gender role is. Our culture is very attached to these ideas about gender roles and I think it is just one more aspect of "mainstream" culture that GLBT people must endure. Questions and comments about which partner is "the man" can be annoying after a while. American culture is so hetero-normative that it doesn’t leave a lot of leeway for variety in gender roles. While many in this country think that's as it should be and how it has always been, you don't have to look very far into the past or to other cultures to see that most non-western cultures have recognized and embraced with understanding the fact that not everyone is heterosexual.

I think the same is true for most couples. Gay or straight, we are all fallible human beings. We unwittingly take with us into relationships those ideas and behaviors that are ingrained in us from a very young age. How we handle conflicts probably has more to do with how we saw our parents handle it than anything else. Those behaviors we hated in our parents often times find their way into our homes even after we swore we'd never say or act the way our parents did! While each relationship is different, we bring to it those ideas and behaviors with which we are familiar. Perhaps the difference between GLBT couples and heterosexual couples might be that we are more willing to view our partners on the basis of their strengths and abilities rather than on any preconceived notions about what a woman or a man “should” be. Another difference would be that most GLBT couples lack any generational continuity – I ‘m not sure that’s the right way to say it- but I mean we didn’t grow up in a GLBT home ourselves, for the most part, so we really are painting on a blank canvas in terms of how we want our family life to be. We don’t have the template of the past to work from as do couples who grew up in straight families and who are straight themselves.

new lyrics from joni mitchell

from Rosie's blog:


if

If you can keep your head
While all about you
People are losing theirs and blaming you
If you can trust yourself
When everybody doubts you
And make allowance for their doubting too.

If you can wait
And not get tired of waiting
And when lied about
Stand tall
Don’t deal in lies
And when hated
Don’t give in to hating back
Don’t need to look so good
Don’t need to talk too wise.

If you can dream
And not make dreams your master
If you can think
And not make intellect your game
If you can meet
With triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same

If you can force your heart
And nerve and sinew
To serve you
After all of them are gone
And so hold on
When there is nothing in you
Nothing but the will
That’s telling you to hold on!
Hold on!

If you can bear to hear
The truth you’ve spoken
Twisted and misconstrued
By some smug fool
Or watch your life’’s work
Torn apart and broken down
And still stoop to build again
With worn out tools.

If you can draw a crowd
And keep your virtue
Or walk with Kings
And keep the common touch
If neither enemies nor loving friends
Can hurt you
If everybody counts with you
But none too much.

If you can fill the journey
Of a minute
With sixty seconds worth of wonder and delight
Then
The Earth is yours
And Everything that’s in it
But more than that
I know
You’ll be alright
You’ll be alright.

Cause you’ve got the fight
You’ve got the insight
You’ve got the fight
You’ve got the insight

Great lyrics

"Chasing Cars"

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Today

Well, Today has been okay. I managed to get to a point with my schoolwork where I can say I'm not behind. I'm not really caught up, but I don't have any past due assignments, either.

Congrats to M & J, my friends who had a commitment ceremony on Saturday. It was on the deck of a cabin deep in the Hocking Hills of Ohio. The deck overlooked a beautiful ravine, and they stood there together and gave their lives to one another. My boys and I had the privilege to witness this event. Both the boys behaved and did not comment on the ceremony. They were more interested in the campfire and the food than in whatever the adults were up to.

I'm thankful to be back online at home, after 6 days last week without Internet. Now I don't have to sneak in my blog surfing at work, or take late night runs to my suburban campus 10 miles away to upload my assignments. The cops thought I was pretty scary until they came up and saw my laptop up and running and the two boys with me in the car!

My divorce is still. not. final. How long does it take a judge to write his name?

It's full speed ahead on my bachelor's program. I hope to be done and have my B.S. in Communications and Public Advocacy next fall. Who knows what's next? (Not me- if any of you guys know give me a heads up!) I'm kicking around the idea of graduate school, or law school, or just about anything else. I'm open to the possibilities, but aware too that I need to make sure that whatever I do improves my marketability and earning power. I'm off to a pretty late start, so I need to make the most of the rest of my working life.

S & I are doing okay. It has been a trying time for the two of us, to say the least. We aren't ready to give up yet, and are trying hard to find our way through these rough waters. She's my best friend now and always. I hope someday we will be living in the same zip code again.

Always will

So many dreams that flew away
So many words we didn't say
Two people lost in a storm
Where did we go?
Where'd we go?

We lost what we both had found
You know we let each other down
But then most of all
I Do Love You
Still!

My Usual Result

ISFJ -


"ISFJs are traditional, loyal, quiet and kind. They are very sensitive to other people's needs because they are very observant. They have rich inner thoughts and emotions. They value stability and cultural norms. They are very adept at giving attention to detail. They do not seek positions of authority."

This is normally the result when I take this test. I think it is more accurate. I think where I skewed things was on the questions that talked about whether you focus on the here and now or on the future. In my current situation I tend to be more forward thinking because I know where I want to be in the future more than I know where I am right now. I tend to focus more on that than on trying to figure out what is happening right now in the present.

I have had a hard week. I know S talked about our hard day yesterday. I lost Internet last Saturday and didn't get it back until Thursday. That was awful. It put me behind in my schoolwork, I couldn't check my bank accounts or pay bills, and find information, or get my daily blog fix. Worst of all was a couple of those days, S was at home alone and I would've enjoyed seeing her sweet face on my web cam. I love watching her fall asleep. We do that quite often on the phone but it is so sweet to see her laying there. Her life if very trying right now with all the divorce stuff, so I feel like I missed a big opportunity to put my ISFJ skills to use and make her feel better/safer/more loved.

I made S cry yesterday. That is the most awful feeling. I love her so much, and the thing I want most is to make her feel safe and happy. Her stbx is being sneaky and that makes me nervous. She still instinctively wants to trust him. She is not as guarded as she needs to be with him. It would be nice to be able to trust him, but I have learned the hard way that men in divorce situations, particularly in terms of parting with money,(that they perceive to be THEIRS, not a marital asset) CANNOT be trusted.

I'm going to a commitment ceremony today. I'll be taking the boys and I'm a little nervous about what they will think about it. They were very matter of fact when I told them where we were going. I hope it will be a routine part of their lives to be comfortable around and welcoming to all kinds of people.

Artist? Creator?

"...easily disturbed, fears drawing attention to self, prone to confusion, private..."
- Jung Type Descriptions (ISFP) (similarminds.com)