What happens when you hit the wall? I'm not much of a runner, never ran more than a few miles at a time. I've heard the stories Marathon runners tell about hitting " the wall" at mile 21 or so. Your body wants to stop so badly, and sometimes it's only grit and mental toughness that wills you forward.
S and I have hit the wall. We've been apart since December of 2005, fighting, scratching, clawing to stay in the race. We've been "Taking Steps" on our journey. Some days were "downhill", some were flat, easy running. We've had a few hills, hell, we've climbed some mountains.
But now, our bodies fail us, our muscles ache, tremble, struggle to keep us upright and moving forward. It's hard to see the end from where we are, hard to know when the finish line will come. Without that incentive, our minds despair of making it through. I fear we've been forced off the course. I'm on the pavement, wrapped in a space blanket, to weak to stand, to tired to care that I'm laying in the street. Too much time, too many hard things, too much distance. So many days she picked me up and helped me keep going. So many times I was there cheering her on. Now I fear our paths must diverge. How many tries before we finish the race? I feel such a failure for giving up, yet I know I cannot go further.
Everything around me reminds me of her, of our hopes, dreams and plans for a life and a future together. I hate my life. I hate that I'm here and she's there.
S- you're a beautiful lady, you deserve the best. You deserve to have someone there with you every day loving you and making your life easier, not harder. For what it's worth, know that I understand that we both did the best we could.
S- I love you. You're free. Be happy.
And you are the love of my life
All the joy and tears that I cry
And baby baby baby
You don't have to say a word
I see it in your eyes
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So begins the journey
About Me
- yankeegirl
- This blog is just for me- to get things out of my head so hopefully they won't bother me anymore!
5 comments:
I did a marathon. And for me the wall hit at 23 miles. And it was akin to torture what my made my body do those last few miles. But compared to what you are going through it was nothing, because I could tell myself "It will all be over soon." In a marathon you know the exact distance you need to go: 26.2 miles. But in your case, it's open-ended. Right now there is no end in sight. And that's the worst kind of pain because it is the pain of hopelessness. But remember: "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." Hold on tight to your hope, and don't let it die. Hope will see you through.
You know that I try to run sometimes, and when I do, it hurts almost the entire time. Every muscle hurts, every breath gets harder to take....but you know what, when I am done, I feel so much better. I have more energy, and I feel more alive. Consider your marathon you are running right now...it may be more than 26.2 miles, but think of how you will feel when you get there....It may seem too far right now, but if its meant to be, it will be.
I am not saying that you haven't made the right decision, only you can make that for yourself. But I hate to see you give up after you have come this far.
Meekster.
Thanks for your kind words, Meekster. Thanks too for all your help.
I'm sorry, YG. I know this must be very, very hard for you both.
As Trop said, try to maintain hope- for whatever seems to fit for you. Reconciliation, moving on and apart... whatever seems right.
As Meekster said, only you and S what is right. I hope time makes things more clear for you.
Thanks, Lachlan. Hard to know what the right thing is right now. Eventually I guess I'll figure it out.
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